my condolences to you, jolie.

i havent had time to go online since i started work. and when i read jolie's entry, from start till the end, the tears flowed like it was never going to end. of which i didnt realise till sometime later.

because, because, i fear that one day, i'll be in her shoes, because i feel so much for her, because i understood how she felt at that point of time. my grandmother's heart stopped before, and ever since, though she survived, she's not able to walk anymore, move anymore than raise her hand a mere 30 degrees, speak anymore than a mumble, see any further than half a metre. we visit her at her house every weekend, and recently, i heard her asking my parents if there are pills which you can take to end your life, and my heart broke.

i used to take it for granted when she popped by my house with her maid. of which i tried very much to spend time with her and have dinner with her, but nonetheless still grumble whenever she used my pillow. i never once thought about the day she wouldn't be able to live like before, the day she would no longer be able to walk through my door anymore, the day we can no longer have meal together anymore.

now, each time i see her, no other words could come out other than have you eaten? how are you feeling? and i know that just being there made her so happy. she can't remember the present; only the past. so naturally, she remembers me more than my sisters. and she'll always tell my mum not to scold me, that i'm a very good girl. everyweek we visit, it is the same old thing she says, because she cannot remember anything else.

my tear ducts have not been activated so wildly in a long, long time.