it hasnt been a wonderful day because training wasn't productive, all i can say is that i'm far from my goal, far from my expectations, far from everyone's expectations. coach's been encouraging, but i know its far from the truth, i might not make it after all.

and once again, i'm going to fall into this deep slumber now and force myself to work harder when i wake up from it, fresh and determined. no matter what, i'm going to reach the mountain top. no matter what, i'll emerge victorious - whether i win or not it doesnt matter, all i want is to at least reach the very ground to compete, to have at least the memories, the experience. that's all i ask for.

and i've been lagging behind for econs, and i regret neglecting it for the higher2 subjects. but then again, it will be easier to pick up econs again then the other subjects, at least for me. maths seem promising now, i'm going to get rid of those ugly marks that i used to have. but all those distribution chapters coming up seem to be a huge barrier, because they all look murderous. chemistry is still quite horrible, because i study but i forget a week later. only one week and its lost from my brains. similar to bio, those facts and info seem to enter my brain for only a short vacation and leave soon after. rah, i need something to retain those knowledge. OTHER than revising over and over again?

and i realise i havent been able to catch up with friends, something that i'm terribly regretful about. now i know what's been bogging me these days- the lack of time to do what i want. i feel uneasy when there's so many things i want to do but simply not have the time to do. and each time i want to meet up with friends or dear yy, i end up being unable to make it cos i'm not free. i cannot believe it, i do not even have time to go out with dearie these days. =(
but then again, i've been putting certain things first and i guess these priorities must alternate, huh? but i can't put certain things aside! nono. this june hols, i must meet up with the lovelies + jolie's gang (meaning all of us + jolie, haha) , and of course the bandies. yup nat, swensens soon. =P
but, there's common tests.

alright, life sucks.

but, i still love this life i'm bestowed. =)


Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It's much harder to come by
I’m waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It's as high as a mountain
And harder to climb
hoho, there's trials tomorrow. deal with it, i know it'll be a breeze.

i hope.

and things seem not-so-promising after that j1 girl came with a 140, jeopardising mo's or anyone of our place.. and coach's right, IT only look at those damn numbers, there's nothing much we can do but show her those numbers that she want to see.

i leave it all to God.

but issues have been cropping up, i dont know why. but i know for sure that things will never be the same. i dont want to say anything anymore, i have no wish to interfere anymore, because whatever i said will be refuted. i'm slightly annoyed, but i guess its all views from one side. even so, i dont think i'll bother to hear any explanations. who cares lah.

several things i'll be busy with over the weekend, though i had wished for some personal time. but, alas, it will have to wait.
i forgot to mention that i went back to sac on sat night for the syf preview, and to catch up with friends. had dinner with rachel and tiff before we went. and said hello to several teachers as well. =) STEPHY bud went!!!! haha, i was sooo high when i saw her.

and i realised that i do miss band alot, though i deny that, believing that i only miss the past memories with sir's band.. well, those juniors really made me change that view, because i know i haven't been in band for nothing. though i taught them for not even a month, they actually remembered me. yup, hearing the band once again made my heart melt. i can ignore their mistakes, clarinets' squeeks, rushing through certain sections, because all that matters is that the band there is where is used to be, a part of.

HOWEVER, i really do not know how they can go to hawaai in this state... oops. the squeeks were really evident, and i believe it was from the same person. and the loud and exciting sections always end up very fast. as usual. but, i have to admit that the percussion section was really fantastic. at least as compared to years back. -man, i sound really old. =(


many things i wanted to say face-to-face because i believe that there is always the personal touch, but because it is the hols and i won't see you till school re-opens,
to vanessa dearie:
i know it has been very taxing for you to hear those comments about you and everything, but pardon me, i feel that as your friend i have to tell you.. i know school has been a huge strain on you, and you are having trouble dealing with everything, but all i can say is that i am always here with you, to walk with you through this year which seemed to be pretty bad for you. everything will turn out fine, you will no longer have to bother about school once A's is over. turn to the Lord whom you trust, and let those tears do the talking. and trust me, it is always better to talk about it, and vent it all out.. do not keep it to yourself, it makes me feel worse because i cannot help you that way. we can always head to the beach for you to vent and cry it out, you know i will try to make it if i can.
*hugs*
whoa, it has been long since my last entry.. but now that its the hols and i finally have a little teeny weeny bit of free time, i'll rant.

spent the whole day out yest, with maths faculty test and lecture in the morning. went out with bowling pals in the afternoon and only reached home just before eleven. we had lunch at the village at heeren, then we headed to cineleisure cos mo wanted to watch the messenger. but it was at seven, hours away. and i got dragged to kbox because hin fan badly wanted to go. =( alas, at least i got subidised. =D *thanks!

faculty tests are finally over, and though i really studied for chem re-test, i think i failed it again. no. i dont think, i am certain. after glancing through the questions i thought to myself, there goes all the studying to try to do well. i've disappointed myself again and again, even for o's and chinese, i dont want to disappoint myself again for A's. no, not anymore. maths test yesterday was fine, thankfully. i could do the paper, and for once i was so calm and cool about a paper.. and it really felt great. i know that i studied, i know how to do, i will pass. i hope.. i dont want to go for some maths camp. like ewwww. but then again, there will be those careless mistakes when i do p&c, either missing out something or adding something extra. that's why i barely passed the previous p&c test even though i thought i could do well. did not multiply this, divide that, etc. oh man. knowing that i failed bio and chem, i can only pin hopes on maths econs and gp. of which, we'll probably get back next week.

mass production on sat for the publicity event, making those little gifts to be given out, i really understand how tough it was for those factory workers in the past when there weren't machines. and we had the comfort of air-con and comfy chairs. they had none. prolly a hard plastic chair and a fan. and long hours.. we mass produced for 4 hours only and didn't want to continue anymore, what more their 8am-6pm everyday.

well, life's tough and we can only be thankful for the education we have. yada yada, we must make use of this WONderful opportunity that many poor people in other countries don't have, study hard, and get a good job. we all know the importance of education in getting us a job, but the main question is, what good does it do to our character, our moral values, our society? it the quest for higher qualifications, these are all sacrificed. there are people who will do anything to get them into a good school. yes, you've probably heard of this before, that people actually donate large sums of money to get their children into a good school. but this only makes people think that money really is everything, and is this not bribery? i pay you, you give my child a place in this school. and there's all that back-stabbing and lies one bring to the teacher or the principal, to get rid of that competitor. i believe there are students who stoop that low, lies that get you into trouble, lies that only goes to show intolerance for one another. and it is because everything is so competitive.


is that the society we want?


and because of the big deal of holding that certificate, the qualifications, people spend their whole life studying, studying, and studying. and you look back in life when you are on your deathbed, holding on to those dear certificates of yours, and realise that all you did was to study. you have no one with you, no friends, no family, no memories of a wonderful and fulfilling life. no photos, simply certificates. no companion, simply books. one day, the world may become just like that.

in this rat-raced society, what really is important? to me, it is having family and friends, having lived a worth-while life, having done so many exciting things, having travelled the world. to live the life i want. yes, no money = luxuries of life, but the extent of happiness differs from person to person. middle income people can still be happier than those extremely rich people. i don't need to be loaded, i will be satisfied with being in the middle income group. as long as i have food to eat, and place i call home, family and friends, and money to spare, i'm contented. oh, add in a car to drive. haha. i know money will never be enough... but what is the use of earning and earning and earning but end up having no time for social life? that's sad, really sad. money doesn't buy you true love and friendship. and most importantly, a career that you really want. looking at career opportunities now, people tell me that this is better, that is better, because i can earn more... but i reply, sorry, i know that this is better, but i want o do what i want. i dont want to look back in life and regret. i make my choices, i dont want to regret. and i dont want to base my career choices on the income it brings. that to me is too materialistic. it satisfies your material wants, but not everything else. being happy and healthy is the utmost importance.

too long now, but it should make up for the lag. =P
i do not know if i can even reach the point of having a career i love, but for now, i have to A's out of the way. and that means getting those school work, projects, and studying done. sigh. and 3-hour training tomorrow, i hope i can survive that.

ciao.


all the time when this is 25 minutes too late

Labels: life rants